Drowning By Choice

I'll drown in debt, but not myself.

I'll drown in debt because I can't afford to drown myself. I'll drown in debt because my parents live for me. I'll drown in debt because drowning myself never crossed my mind. I'll start floating because drowning was never an option. 

I never thought of drowning myself when I imagined dying. I always imagined it painless, I thought dying was your organs giving up on you, and poof, you're gone. But I never thought dying on the inside was painful, aching to end your struggle, but your hands are tied because dying was never an option. People have different perceptions of how death feels; some say it feels lonely, some ask what kind of morbid question is that early in the morning, one said its the end of a game for her, which is painful yet so beautiful, some say it's a fortune that's why we're able to live carelessly, it's a solution to problems, some others say, while most say they fear it. My most favourite was when my friend said, "I don't think of it, Purva, if it happens, it happens." I don't fear death at all; I fear that once I'm gone, everything I've worked so hard for is lost. I fear I'll be forgotten and especially dread that I'll remain a Google Photos reminder. It's not that I want to be remembered by doing something great to save the world, I just hate the idea of death, I hate that maybe once I'm gone, all these memories I've created and lived aren't important anymore. It makes me think, maybe just maybe I can do what I want, act as I please, because no one will remember me tomorrow. All the self-doubt and restriction feel like nothing when I know I'll be forgotten once I'm gone.

I guess in this context, every debt you pull your hair out to pay doesn't matter once you're gone. You know this other thing that doesn't matter once you're gone, the university you go to, yes, the same university your parents work their ass off to pay, after four years the only asset you're left with is your degree. Though education is the most important asset in life, the only form of asset that no one can take from you, I think these "Prestigious" institutions are overrated; at most, they are a well-marketed brand. I personally think going to a good university can also equip you with the same set of skills; it's just about how you use your resources. I get that people see you differently when you go to these prestigious universities; it's just a point of self-respect and prestige, nothing more. They put you on this pedestal, you put yourself on a pedestal, but a few years hence, boom, it's gone, no one cares anymore. It's recommended to frame your degree to remind people in later years. And I guess going to a good university is the least you can do after everything your parents do for you. In the present economic situation, no school can guarantee you a job; make your choice wisely.

The other day I watched a reel, there are two indian guys on the podcast, one of them was sharing his experience when he was studying abroad, he was talking about his non-asian friend who said he was grateful to his father for "loaning" him money for university fees. Now this was genuinely a shock for me, I never ever assumed the money my parents spent on me was a loan. That thought never crossed my mind; somehow, I never thought I'd have to pay my parents back for anything. In India, I think it's built into our system that our children are our responsibility; it's almost as if my parents live for me. Until now, I didn't know there were other kinds of parents, other kinds as in the ones you have to pay back? I never thought I owed my parents anything. Parents in India give up everything they desire to give their kids the best life, and work hard to pay for everything their kids require, but they never make us feel indebted to them, in terms of paying them back with money. The only thing most indian parents expect back from us is for us to live a better life than they do, a more comfortable and happy life. Indian parents live vicariously through their kids, watching their dreams come true through their kids; maybe that's why, at times, they are a little hard on us. It's simply that they don't want to see us fail and live up to our potential. Though most of us assume that they're stepping on their passions and ambitions, all they want is to see their kids live a good and well-settled life, while we just sit here and talk about the 3 people who made it without an education, they're pointing to the 97 who didn't. I think the older we get, the more we see that our parents don't hate us, they just don't want us to struggle like them.

Let's take another case, imagine you're at university and you got a loan from your father to pay the fees, you have to find an apartment to move to in your budget, you have to pay for daily necessities, transport to and fro university, you have to work a part time job. On top of all of this, you have to keep up with schoolwork. On average, it takes 15-20 years to pay off student loans. Now you can spend your next say15 years paying off loans for your education, and imagine those poor kids who go to Ivy League universities. Their fees are about 1 cr per year + living costs. Sure, taking responsibility for your own life as soon as you turn 18 is a great way to grow as a person, mature and gets you ready for the real world. But I think that's a little too hard on an 18-year-old, anyway. By this, now I hope we understand the value of our parents who ask for nothing in return.

Many grads start their careers with many thousands in debt, and they postpone buying a house, settling down, and focus on paying off loans first, which takes a toll on their mental health. Some take high-paying jobs that work them to the core just to pay off debts; they have constant stress about piling bills, debts and interests. Some who are too proud to ask for help, feel embarrassed that they aren't able to keep up well. Students from low-income households are affected the most; they have no support, no backing and are forced to slave away. Seeing others debt-free can take a serious toll on their psychological well-being. In the long term, this leads to reduced savings in case of any emergencies and retirement. In my opinion, super expensive universities are like a Cartier bracelet. Why buy the real when you can get a well-made, real gold and something that will probably last longer for almost half the price? But no, we like getting ripped off on the name of the brand. Honestly, I'm also the fool who falls for the brand name, because the Cartier is a Cartier.

To be or not to be might be Shakespeare's question, but to take or not to take is most definitely mine.