Phases & Jeans

 *TRIGGER WARNING- SENSITIVE TOPICS, ie.SUICIDES, MENTAL HEALTH*

Did you ever have a friend who made you think, "Wow, this is a forever kind of thing?" I did. I had that person in my "tomboy" phase, "sorry, makeup is not my style" phase, my "leather jacket" phase, I only wear "floral printed dresses" phase. All these phases left me, so did they. The only common thing between that person and my phases was how badly I wanted them both to stay. These people and phases become your routine, and when a routine breaks, you break. Getting used to a new routine takes time, but you'll get there soon enough. My routine broke numerous times, and I remember each and every phase; it remains so vivid in my memory. They gave me support, laughter, and comfort, but all I have left now is a few memories tucked away deep in the folds of my mind. Every time I decide I don't want to be hurt, that I was done with these phases, a new and shinier one comes along, making it hard to resist. But it also makes thinking about the previous ones less painful. These days I think back to those phases and smile. Maybe if I see them in the hallway one of these days, I might go say hi.

I was clearing out my closet the other day, and I found my old jeans. I smile remembering how I wore these jeans everywhere I went, refusing to buy or try new ones. But I don't know when I stopped wearing them, slowly forgetting their existence; they were tucked away deep in my messy closet, but somehow they looked tired but fresh at the same time. I had this sudden urge to try these on again to see if they fit me, but they didn't fit. I guess that was for the better, and now I can try new jeans that fit me perfectly. I neatly folded the jeans, putting them back where I found them. Closing my wardrobe, forgetting their existence all over again. Though I forgot the jeans, I will never forget the times I wore them; the long walks, the giggling and laughter, the memories, they'll remain. By now, you must know this isn't about phases or jeans. But how an individual deals with loss. I don't believe in the 7 phases of grief; to me, there is only one stage, the passage of time. Time heals all pain; even if you choose to dwell on the loss, the pang in your chest is gone. 

Not all broken bonds are painful; some were beautiful memories once. Not all relationships end with a fight or misunderstanding. Some just drift, not all the promises about forever are true. Some people mature and grow over time, while some stay in the same place. These changes affect one person more than the other; these people are left with so many unanswered questions on why it happened, self-doubt, self-blame, and lastly self-harm. Not all people are emotionally intelligent; some get depressed, resort to self-harm, and as a result develop suicidal thoughts. These people aren't entirely to blame; society has made getting help taboo, they find it easier to kill themselves than get the help they need, and it's especially hard for teenagers to talk about their problems. For us, it feels as if no one is listening. Our problems are said to be "minor"; they are nothing compared to the "real world" problems. But to us, they are the biggest problems, major life-altering problems in fact. "I was your age once" Then why don't you understand me?

If it's not evident enough, teenagers don't think adults understand them. Though it's commonly assumed that help from loved ones often clears major problems, well, I think either you're middle class and can't afford to have problems, too low-income to know about other problems, or so wealthy you don't know which problem to start with. Whichever category you fall into, it's important to voice your problems. I grew up having so many people around me, and yet no one to confide in. Whenever I tried telling my parents about how I'm feeling or something I'm going through, it was public news, all their friends knew about it, and didn't waste a moment to make fun of me. Obviously, now I realise they never really saw it as a problem, only a phase. I grew up hating the adults around me. I hated how they made fun of me, and I hated how they never listened. And now I don't trust anyone enough to tell them how I feel. Though now I understand where they come from, my problem then was nothing to them; it didn't feel like a big deal, it doesn't to me right now either, but overall that doesn't justify their actions, because at that time that was my life-altering problem. Well, now most kids usually cope easily, but some others don't, and it ends up as trauma. As it is, JEE and NEET help control our population, and now low self-esteem is adding to them!

And since life is economics, the suicides of young individuals strongly affect the economy. Let's go there. Young people are the country's future working class, and if the working class is all about trauma and killing themselves, because they can't cope with life's problems. Help them. The citizens are the country's top priority. Grow out of your narrow mindsets, evolve with the rest of the world. Major reasons for teen suicides in India are mental health issues, academic stress, and inadequate support systems. Let me stress on academic stress, in 2022, according to the net, there have been 2248 reported suicides due to academic failure in India. It's not only the tough JEE and NEET papers that stress students out, it's obsessive parents, long study hours, peer pressure, and societal pressure, etc. I believe it's necessary to create an environment where students can talk about their problems, stress, etc. Earlier today, a friend of mine and I were having a conversation. I was telling him about this blog, he said, "I did too, I went up to the 20th floor and came back." he, too, wants to write NEET. I don't know what made him go up there; he said he "experienced" I was shell shocked and scared, I didn't want to bring up the topic again. To know that the people around me, maybe have the same thing going on in their mind as those 2248 students in 2022, honestly, scares the shit out of me.

When I showed a friend the second paragraph, he said, "Except I threw away my old clothes because there isn't enough space." Maybe he's right. Maybe that's the way to deal with every situation that we can't control: let it go, instead of taking drastic measures. I suggest we all follow the old Indian way of living, living with mental peace.